


Please hold my hand so i won't force it down my throat

by joongiecore



Series: Sometimes i need to cry, too [1]
Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Angst, Anorexia, Anxiety, Bulimia, Crying, Eating Disorder Not Otherwise Specified, Eating Disorders, Fluff, Hurt Hinata Shouyou, Insecurity, Ouch, Sad, Sugawara is a great mom, Team Mom Sugawara Koushi, Vomiting, hinata is crying, i love u mom, i wish my mom was this great
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-06
Updated: 2019-10-06
Packaged: 2020-11-23 00:01:54
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,559
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20882843
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/joongiecore/pseuds/joongiecore
Summary: Hinata doesn't really know what's happening.Sometimes, he throws up. When he's sad, angry or scared.Sometimes, he also starves himself. When he hates his reflection, when he's jealous or disappointed.But right now, everything was fine.So why did he keep shoving his fingers down his throat?





	Please hold my hand so i won't force it down my throat

**Author's Note:**

> using this as a place to vent, who knows this one. 
> 
> trigger warning, please stay safe. and take your vitamins, karen.

and there he was again,  
sitting in front of the toilet.  
  
all the others were already sleeping. of course, they had many training matches today. and well, they lost every single game.  
  
why was that? was it his fault? it was probably his fault.  
  
no.  
  
it was definitely his fault.

it was his fault because...

because...

it just was.

hinata held back a sob. he didn't want to cry now, why should he even. he didn't deserve to show sadness, to feel the tears rolling down his face.

he also didn't deserve to eat dinner today. and yet, he did. a bowl of rice, meat and vegetables. it was... so much. hinata felt the food in his stomach, he felt himself bloating. 

he held back another sob. _don't cry_, he thought. _don't cry, don't cry._

slowly, his shaking hand got closer to his mouth. he opened his mouth, already gagging a little.

back then, hinata used to throw up only before matches. because he was just very anxious of losing, that's what sugawara told him. but somehow he got used to the feeling afterwards. this light, clean feeling. as if he could jump two metres higher, as if he could fly.

and then hinata started to throw up everytime something happened.

**but that wasn't enough.**

he also starved himself.

it wasn't like he hated how he looks. he just figured... it would be better if he looked better, too. especially after his failed first time. how exactly did it end? ah, with the girl running away yelling and tear stained and with hinata sitting on his bed, still fully clothed because the fear just was too much.

a month later, he had figured out he was gay. so maybe it wasn't only fear but disgust as well.

and gay men only liked the muscular, tall type. and hinata, with his roughly 163 centimetres certainly was not tall. and muscular? _oh please, he was... not a stick. he was... fat? was he actually... fat?_

"i'm not, i'm not fat.", he mumbled and this time, he sobbed loudly. _he shouldn't cry, he didn't deserve to cry_. he could end up waking up the others and they deserved the sleep. he didn't. hinata... didn't deserve anything.

gripping the cold toilet seat, hinata cried into the bowl, his tears fell down into the toilet water.

he was disgusting. he was touching something where so many germs were... so much dirt. and it was all on his hands now.

"i'm not fat, i'm not fat, i'm really really not fat.", he cried and his sons got louder and louder and his body started to shake more and more and more and even more. his head hurt from all the crying, his nose was running;

hinata was a mess.

and so he raised his hand, stuck it into his mouth and threw up.

first thing that came up was the water he had drunk.

then the rice.

then some mixture of vegetables and meat.

and even when he tasted the sour acid, hinata didn't stop. he also didn't quiet down. he got louder and louder and his tears got more and more and he threw up more and more and _god, why wasn't anyone here?_

"i'm not fat! stop telling me this, i'm good looking, i'm good at volleyball, it's not my fault."

hinata was whimpering, he was basically fucking his damn throat with his disgusting hand.

and his stomach burned, and his throat hurt, and his head was about to explode, too.

**suddenly, there was something**.

**or rather, someone.**

"hinata?", the person whispered and slowly pulled him away from the toilet. he took his hand out of his mouth and held it. didn't he care about the germs? the vomit on it... the acid?

somehow, sugawara didn't care.

"hey, hinata.", he mumbled quietly and raised the younger boy's head. "stop crying, alright? we'll get you cleaned up first." sugawara ran his hand through his orange hair. "look at you, you even got some vomit up there. shall we shower together?"

hinata wasn't really feeling up to it. sugawara's body was... just amazing. he was tall and muscular and definitely the- _he should really stop comparing himself_. "my-my legs won't stop shaking, sugawara. please make them stop." tears were falling down his cheeks again, hinata just felt so pathetic and messed up and helpless.

but sugawara was here now, he wasn't alone. _the older would surely help him, right?_

sugawara sighed, _was hinata being a burden to him? he really didn't want to be a burden, please don't make sugawara feel angry or annoyed, he couldn't take it,_ and slowly got up, pulling hinata with him. his legs were really shaking a lot, even sugawara saw that now. and that's why he held him tightly to his chest, slowly walking towards the shower with him.

the team members occasionally showered together. it was just something normal to everyone. sure, for hinata it was always a challenge to actually shower with them, but he enjoyed it nonetheless.

"alright, let's just both take off our clothes and take a lovely hot shower, yeah? I'll clean you up, I'll make you a warm drink and then we'll sit down and talk, does that sound like a plan?" sugawara showed his typical motherly smile and helped hinata sit down on the edge of the bathtub. while the older started to undress himself, hinata was barely even moving. 

he was disgusting, he smelled like vomit. his mouth tasted foul, he had snot smeared on his face and puffy, tear stained eyes. 

there was vomit in his hair, on his hands and on his neck and clothes.

_hinata was disgusting._

"hinata? come on, we'll clean you up.", sugawara helped him undressing himself, he helped him get into the shower and he helped him not actually collapsing. no, sugawara held him against his warm, firm chest while turning on the water and adjusting the temperature. 

_and god, hinata felt good now._ the warm water falling down on him relaxed his muscles, sugawara's scent helped him calm down and he just felt... safe. finally hinata felt safe.

his older friend started to hum a melody, still holding hinata with one arm and washing his hair with the other. he truly was the mother of the team and hinata couldn't be any more thankful. 

_he felt so safe and warm that he managed to close his eyes._

hinata deserved _this_. not feeling dirty, feeling warm, safe and happy.

"should we get out now?", the fact that sugawara was actually asking him, being fine with just standing there for a little longer, made hinata cry again. _cause wow, how could someone be so kind to...something like...him? he was an angel, that was the only explanation he had._

when hinata nodded slowly, sugawara and him got out of the shower. the older first dried up him, then himself. he wrapped the big, fluffy towel around hinata and just covered his waist with a smaller one. 

"I'll quickly get some clothes for us, alright? stay here and don't move." sugawara left quickly and came back quickly. 

both fully clothed, the boys left the bathroom. sugawara still held hinata's hand in his. _and as long his hand was held, hinata wouldn't force it down his throat again._

they passed the room where the other members were still sleeping peacefully. nishinoya was laying on top of asahi, yamaguchi was spooning tsukishima from behind, tanaka and ennoshita were... laying in a weird position.

daichi was holding onto sugawara's pillow- _were they cuddling before? _

and kageyama...

he was awake and looked right into his eyes.

"hinata.", he grumbled, rubbing his eyes.

even sugawara stopped walking now, he had to, considering hinata didn't move anymore.

_did kageyama hear? was he judging him now? was he angry?_

"hurry up and come back to bed, ok?", kageyama yawned and patted on the futon next to his. "I need someone to warm up my legs, I miss my human heater.", mumbling the last sentence, the younger laid down again and quickly fell back into sleep.

sugawara chuckled quietly. "someone is missing you already, huh?"

the talk they had was emotional, at least for hinata.

"I just don't know. at first it helped, it really did! I thought I just had a weak stomach...nothing big. but then i got the urge to vomit even after eating and... and it got too much. sugawara, am i fat? no, of course not.

but i'm too small, too bad at blocking and too bad at tossing. i can't do basic math or english, and now... now i'm even..."

hinata came out to him, knowing this would be his end.

sugawara hugged him, telling him he's not the only one and that it was alright.

"i'm so sorry, i'm so disgusting and weak. you had to see me like this and i'm so goddamn sorry. I'll be better, I'll be better, i'll be-"

once again, sugawara hugged him.

told him _it was alright_.

told him that he was _already the best_.

told him that he was _strong, amazing and talented_.

hinata kept crying, kept letting all his feelings out until there were no tears left to cry, no worries left to be told, no problems left to be solved.

**and sugawara held his hand the whole time.**


End file.
